Musings of a Dazed/Dozed/Doped mind

How old is an antique? I need to know cause I'm planning on selling a 25 year old artifact on eBay that I possess that doesn't work anymore but used to once upon a time..I call it my nose.

Is 25 old enough for it to be labelled antique..or is there something like "the older the better" like in wines ? I mean there are people with sensitive skins, minds etc..well, I possess easily the most sensitive nose. Anything can trigger a sneeze attack..Mr Smoke, Mr Dust, Mrs Dust, Dust Jr, Dust wannabes..pictures of Dust. It's like my nose is suffering from its own version of Post Traumatic Sneeze Syndrome. And these last 24 hours have been a real doozy. Now I should warn you all, my sneeze episodes are legendary...they have stopped dissections, lectures, examiners..you name it. Patients have even offered me their beds .Luckily the dissection body wasn't one of them.During any such episode, I tend to resemble the vilian in Terminator 2 everytime he got shot with that shotgun- I jump back a mile.Or so I've heard. Though I wouldn't know for sure. Cause usually I'd be so full of cold medication that I'd be walking around like a drunken monkey..totally drowsy. Which is what the last 24 hours were after having, even by my own standards, a really bad cold.

Of course, in such times, I turn to my warm, loving hot companion of many years who knows just how to keep me going..she's called a vaporiser. But even she was of no use in these last few hours as the antique-formerly-known-as-nose just refused to budge. Though i must say, thanks to my vaporiser, i think all the pores in my face are wide open now..either that or my face is melting with the heat. Nights are especially the worst..not the cold weather.It's the lack of the vaporiser.Why? Well, let's just say that having an annoyed wife and a boiling water-filled- vaporiser in the same room is not a bright idea. Even in my doped up state after taking the cold medicines, I know that much. Duh!

Of course, my trusty dog of 7 years, Ruby is always there by my bedside..she's always sleeping just feet away coming every once in awhile to my side when the sneezes get really bad. That's companionship..that's care..that's love..That's enough licking my face, Ruby!!! I used to think her licks were signs of affection. Lately though I'm beginning to wonder if she's justing seeing if I'm good to eat.She's got this faraway look in her eyes that she usually gets when she sees food nowadays when she comes to greet me. Maybe it's just my imagination. Maybe it's the medication. Maybe.

Of course, in my dreamy state induced by all the medication, soon I see the light. Like Wonder Woman's magic lasso which makes everyone reveal the truth, I too see what really is happening even as i sleep. My closed eyes see the evil Stephen King-meets- Alice in Wonderland plot that I'm living in. I hear my ever affectionate wife plotting with my ever affectionate vaporiser..they're out to kill me. My God!! It was a set-up. "We'll make it look like an accident. ha ah ha ha." The evil vaporiser i called friend lets out a steam spurt in assent.
"Are you done yet?" Even though I don't recognise the voice, the dog-breath is unmistakeable. I turn and see my ever faithful buddy of 7 years, whom I've fed off my plate, fed Danish Butter cookies while i ate nadan biscuits..Ruby, the mastermind. She's sitting in the rocking chair smoking a cigar. Cuban, I wonder? Perhaps Bill Clinton or Monica would know more on that . "I remember falling asleep" I say. Ruby looks at me with those old eyes ( 7 dog years = 49 human years. mind you ) and says -" The Truth is seldom attained in the awakened state. It is often in dreams that reality s percieved." This from the dog sitting in front of me in a yogi pose.
"Damn, how i wish i had a normal dog." I ponder aloud. The response is a strategic placement of the cigar between her fingers in what can only be descibed as " a rude gesture. " Damn those ANIMAL PLANET late night shows..what are they teaching these pets. But the gravity of the situation dawns on me then..I'm trapped with a killer wife, an evil boiling vaporiser and a really really bad dog..doors locked.Windows grilled. Head for the bathroom..only hope . Maybe I can get there before...

"BANG ! BANG !" I awaken partially to the incessant banging on the door.. My mother!! the saviour. The door is still locked. "Mone, are you awake ?" she calls out " It's 6 in the evening.Get up and study something." I turn around. The vaporiser sits idly on the dressing table where I'd left it. The Mrs is trying her hand at her new addiction - sudoku. Ruby sleeps idly behind the rocking chair. "Ok, Amma.. I'm coming." I holler and dazed, walk past my caring trio to the bathroom. How stupid of me to think they were out to kill me!! Yeesh, I have got to stop taking those pills..on my way, i peer at the sudoku game and spot a mistake my wife's made, then plant a kiss on Ruby's forehead as i pass.
It's only as I open the door to the bathroom that the thought crosses my mind and the sinking feeling returns - Ruby smells oddly of...cigar smoke.

I don't turn around, not an inch, as I make my way to the bathroom. I'll come out eventually...in 2009.

Epilogue :
When taking cold medication, don't drive heavy machinery..don't drive light machinery. Don' drive. If possible don't think. Just relax. But don't relax too much. Cause then you sleep.. and that's when the real nightmare begins.
P.s. Antique paper-weight for sale.. shaped like a nose.