Archive for 2007

Location - My bedroom
Time - 03:00 am

I don't usually sleep with the windows open. It's not just the mosquitoes. There's also the whole "Bram Stoker's Dracula biting me" neurosis ever since I saw the movie as a kid. Which probably explains the 2 metre scarf and iron neck belt I wear while going to sleep.. I hope that's the reason anyway. Psychology is a tricky thing.
Anyway, I know the windows are closed and the doors are locked too ( don't even get me started on that one !! Hello! Bates motel ? ) and yet, I felt the presence of something in the room.. something sinister enough to awaken me. I opened my eyes and squinted as the bright light in the room hit me. A blurry figure in white floated above my bed. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't blurry because it was a ghost ( atleast I didn't think it was ). I just have astigmatism. The figure seemed to gesture to my right with what I imagined was it's limb, motioning me to put on my spectacles. I decided he / it had a point and did so.

Lo ! And behold ! The room was illuminated solely by this floating man's surrounding aura. The first thing I noticed about him was that he was tall ( then again, when you're lyimg in bed, everyone seems taller, but no, he really WAS tall. ) He had on a white flowing robe which matched in many ways, his shiny white beard. The wrinkles and crows feet in his face all painted a portrait of extreme serenity.. or bad botox. Enlightenment hit me as I realised who this was.

"Are you.."

"Yes, my child. I am God."
"Oh."
"You seem disappointed, my child."
"Well, I thought you were Dumbledore. Harry Potter could reaaally use you right about now and I just figured maybe you'd somehow escaped.."
"Child, child. Rest assured, I am not Dumbledore. I am the kindly Lord who has come to ease your pain."
"You now what's weird. How come you're dressed like this ? I mean, the God I pray to.. Gods actually, well, they usually have more arms and shiny crowns and..."
"My child, I can take any form you can imagine. My true form is too vast for mankind to view so I often resort to these .."
"Any form I can imagine ?? Really ?"
"Why, yes, child. "
"Cool. Hold on a sec."
I closed my eyes and pondered, then exhaled and opened them again.
"Wow !! You're right. "
"WHAT THE ??? "
I had made a slight alteration, of course. The ghostly-Dumbledore-lookalike now resembled a big proud chicken with just his face left behind in human form. The red rooster mohawk on his head was a nice touch, even if I say so myself. It brought more colour to his personality, I felt.
"You're right man. You can take any form I can imagine. Cool.. you must be a hoot at parties, huh ? Lemme try again."
"NO. WAIT !!!"
I blinked. A talking mug. A lion in a pink tutu. Elvis with a beard. Gandhi on roller blades. Theresa with nun-chucks ( "nun"-chucks.Get it ? Hyuk. Hyuk. I'm a riot when I get punny. )
"STOP IT!!! STOP IT !!!STOP IT!!! STTTOP IT !!!"
Picking up that he may not be having the same amount of fun as I was, I stopped blinking. He took the opportunity to go back to his original form. Boring.
"WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU ??"
"You said you could take any form.."
"Yes. But you are in the presence of God. Show more respect, will you ?"
"Okay."
"GOOD. SHOW SOME RESPECT, SOME AWE, SOME WONDERMENT, SOME.."
"So, like, wassup, man ?"
The figure turned his head away. I could have sworn before any judge I heard him sniff, but then again, I'd love to see the judge reach this far in the trial. The Dumbledore-God-Gandhi-nun turned back to me.
"You are among the blessed chosen ones, my child. You have been chosen to be whisked away from this land before the end of the world begins and stay beside me in the most desired land."
"Vegas ?"
"HEAVEN !!!!"
"Oh. Right. Missed that one."
"Very few will survive what is coming. It is thus imperitive that.."
"Do you have a brochure ?"
"Huh ?"
"You know, a brochure ? What's the main attractions in heaven ? Tourist spots ? Spas ? Massages ?"
"Uh..no. I never thought of that, actually."
"Hmm.. really ? So anyway, run it by me from memory. How many luxury hotels are we talking here ? Babes per man ratio ? Wine and vodka ?"
"Umm.. there are no hotels. In heaven, it's all open air. We live in the clouds, you see. And unlike on Earth, in heaven, we DO respect women so we do not just do a babes per man count ? As for wine and vodka, well.. there are grapes and mashed potatoes."
"Lemme get this straight. No multiple babes, no villas, open air beds and grapes ?"
"Yes, my child. "
"What about monuments ?"
" Um.. well there's St Peter's pearly gates, Atlantis, Indraprastha.. choose your religion."
"Right. A gate, a palace and water logged roads...sounds like home. What about precious jewels ? you now? diamonds, gold, stones..?
"Oooh. I have Moses stone from the 10 Commandments incident. That's priceless."
" Ooooookay. You know what ? I think I'll have to get back to you on that one so if you'd just leave your number.."
"WHAT ??"
"You have a visiting card ? a 1-800-BIG-DADDY number or something ? e-mail ?"
"THIS IS RIDICULOUS !! I'M OFFERING YOU HEAVEN !! THE REAL DEAL !"
"Ya, well, I think I'll stay back here awhile. I really just wanna see how THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL really ends. I'll call you when I'm done, ok ?"
"ENOUGH !!! THE WILL OF GOD MUST BE DONE !!"

I blinked. Actually, I didn't. Don't get me wrong, my eyes did the 'shut and open' routine, but I had the distinct feeling this was against my will. I looked at Dumbledore-Lion-mug. Oh Boy. Slight change of costume. Not good.
Gone were the Tide-Ariel whites and the shiny beard. Gone were the wrinkles. Heck, even the eyes had changed. Standing before me was a huge metallic robot with wires streaming off his back, more alive than mechanical. His face had turned part flesh, part metallic. I got the feeling this guy didn't have a keen sense of humor. Not that the first dude was Ray Romano or Jerry Seinfeld, by any stretch of the imagination.
"Weren't you one of the original TRANSFORMERS ?"
It's hard to tell emotions in a robot. The slight trembling along the fleshy part of the lips - that was the give-away. I think he was mumbling. I think he was praying.
"Are you bluetooth enabled ?" In my defence, I was genuinely curious.
"SHUT UP, EARTHLING. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED INTO THE PROGRAM. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE."
Good God. "Are you from Microsoft ? Is this about the fake Windows '98 cd I'm using ?" They must have been serious about that whole 'buy Original Windows' ad.
"RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. WE ARE THE BORG."
"The Swedish guy ? You don't look a lot like.."
" WE ARE THE BORG. WE WILL MAKE ALL HUMANITY ONE WITH US, THEN RULE EARTH. PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED."

To be frank, I had no idea what assimilated meant, but I had a feeling it didn't include breakfast in bed. Sadly, whatever this thing was, he still had some of those superpowers left because I found myself unable to move despite repeated commands to my body. Then again, I had cocooned myself in my blanket so maybe that was it. Either way, the robot-Swede-God advanced closer. Those tentacle-wire thingys shot out and struck at me. Weird. They were merging with my mind through my body. If you think body searches in airports are an invasion of privacy, you really should try this. If only she were a 22 year old Swede nurse.. sigh. Anyway, the Borgy spoke.
"CONTACT WITH HUMAN ESTABLISHED. CONNECTING TO MAIN BORG NETWORK." This just had to be those pesky Microsoft guys. If I get out of this alive, no more illegal software cracks for me.
"CONNECTED TO MAINFRAME. INITIATING ASSIMILATION."
Oh well. It was a fun life while it lasted. Who knows, maybe being this robot's bitch wouldn't be all bad..no more ..Hey!! Why is there a tear in his eye ?
"Dude. You ok ?"
"ERROR !! ERROR !! ABORT !! STUPIDITY LEVELS TOO HIGH !! CORRUPTING HARD DRIVE !! ABORT ASSIMILATION ! SUBJECT IS LEVEL IGNORAMUS TIMES MORON. ABORT MISSION. ABORT MISSION. ABORRRRRRT MISSSSSSSIOOOOOON !!!!!!!"

Poof.

Ya, I know. You were expecting a blast. So was I. But all I heard was a poof. He was gone. The room was illuminated in light, but that was from the morning shadows seeping in from the windows. The closed windows.
Banging. Ah yes !! He must have gone out to pee. I got up and walked to the door and opened it. My mom stood outside.
"Wake up!!! It's time to go. We have to be at the temple by 6am."
"Oh Mom. Do I have to ?"
"Yes, we decided this a long time back. Now go bath quickly. God is waiting." She turned, clicked her Hitler boots and stomped off.
"Why do I get the feeling God is a 'tad' tired of waiting ?" I said as I went in to take my bath.

Prologue :
Location - The Great Lounge in the Sky, Heaven
Time - 6 am

"Guys, guess who's just back from Roshan's place ?" the bartender said to the two customers who'd just walked in, his eyes pointing to the third table. The two of them followed his gaze and came to rest on the lone figure sitting in the corner."
"Hee Hee. Get our order over there, will ya, Big Guy ?"
"Sure thing. You guys go console him."
The two of them walked upto the dark corner and stood before the forlorn figure." Hey, man. Want some company ?"
The old man in the pearly white costume looked up. "The horror. The horror. " was all he muttered.
"I know. I know. It's been a rough day, hasn't it ? We heard you got Roshan. What did you do to deserve that ?"
"I fell asleep while JC was teaching about the merits of the 7th Commandment."
"Ah!!"
"My God !! Is it possible that we can create such stupidity ?"
"It's a glitch in the system, Saint Angelo VII. You must remember, he was created at a time when Microsoft didn't yet exist. Till we made the deal with Gates, the earlier prototypes were mostly hand made. Errors were inevitable."
"But still.."
"Dude. Listen, you just got him as as a punishment. The two of us, we have him in our religion. Can you imagine how that sucks? I mean, I have four arms, a mace and a discus - Ol' Violet here has a trident and a snake and we still barely hold on to our sanity while he's awake. And he always escapes with that damn 'apology at the end of the day' clause. We're forced to forgive his sins and overlook his errors. I swear, man..."
The second guy spoke up now." I swear, the number of times I just wanted to resign from the Holy Trinity because of that moron. But nooooooo.. turns out it's a life long job. Talk about not reading the fine print."
"The only one having a good time from all this, of course is our shrink.. man, he's just rakin in the goody points."
"I can imagine" Saint Angelo VII said. He made a mental note to ask them for the shrink's number later.
A voice boomed out from the door to the Lounge. "Hey Hey hey ! How's it going, you all ?"
The other two turned to him and smiled. "Hey, Al ! Where ya been ? Ol Angelo here just saw the future of mankind. He's pretty scared right now "
"What say, bro ? You're still shakin, man. What'd Jc do ? Give you Rosh ?"
"Yup.."
"Oooh nasty. I guess that'll teach you to doze in class, eh ? Hey, bartender, the usual."
"Comin up, big Al"
Angelo looked at them. "He made me into a chicken.. a chicken,dammit !!"
"That's cool. Zeus became a big juicy banana, I recall. He still shudders when he sees a monkey on Animal PLanet... and what about Hippocrates, he's still crying for letting this guy into the medical field on a bet"
" I tried scaring him by changing into that robot species, Borg, from Star Trek. After all, the main idea was to add him to the eternal light right ?"
" Your idea was right, but not with it, man. For that guy, you need a special decontamination containment unit, you can't just add him with the rest of the .. hey, there's my order.Thanx, big guy. "
The violet God turned and his third eye opened up. "Hey !! We ordered before him !! Where's our fries and Mc Burger ?"
Big Al laughed. "Here you go, S" He playfully threw the bun at S, who ducked ensuring it landed on his partner's conch.
"Oh man !! I just got that polished this morning. Do you know how much it cost me ?"
"Hey bro. He ducked. I ain't paying for that. "
"Oh yeah !! Well, then here, have some of this ketchup." he said, throwing the open bottle, which multiplied exponentially into 64 bottles as it flew in the air. Al ducked and the ketchup found its way to St Peters who was sitting in the next table."
"Oh come on. All I wanted was a health snack in my break and now look what you did."
S pointed at Al. 'He started it. " "Oh yeah !!" St Peter retorted, lifting the salad bowl..
"FOOD FIGHT !!!!" screamed the Moon God who'd just entered on a break. He needn't have bothered. Everyone was too busy participating to actually wait for the announcement.

The bartender watched them all, as he cleared the dishes, then sighed. " Great. Time to get the new dishes. Man, they sure love to fight. These Gods must be crazy !!! "
" Bartender !! There's a fly in my soup again !! " He heard 'em yell. Sigh. A God's work was never done.

It's tough being a general knowledge freak. You get loads of ridiculous information amongst the few gems which you can actually use in life.. stuff which has no practical use in life and you just try to work into conversation to act smart ( Why, Yes, honey. I am from Kerala where the main language is Malayalam, umm..just like English is for England... speaking of which DID YOU KNOW that the longest word in the English language is Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.. honey ? umm, hon ? Hello ? )

But you know what ? I disagree. Every fact, no matter how insignificant, has some relevance somewhere, right ? I figured I'd try to bring more colour to these dreary facts of life so that you can use 'em .. you know, just to show the rest of the gang who's the 'real smart dude / dudette'. Or the real geek.
N.B. While there a million other irrelevant data waiting to be swallowed up, I've only hunted and added ones I knew before I started this post.

So adopt a nice nasal kiddy voice and whine along with me...

DID YOU KNOW the song - Happy birthday to you - is under copyright & the copyright runs out in 2010. ( Consider that on an average, 9 million people have their birthdays on any given day.. doncha think you should be at that auction bidding for the rights in 2010 now )
DID YOU KNOW the ghosts in Pac-Man are named Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde. ( God save me, I knew this one. Incidentally, If you can work this into a conversation, you're sure to get the girl. Provided she's punch drunk and doesn't speak English )
DID YOU KNOW Marilyn Monroe had six toes. ( funny, isn't it ? Most of you guys would have stared / ogled / drooled over her pics, yet noone noticed her toes . Just what were you looking at, you horny goats ?? )

DID YOU KNOW that when you break down love, it's all just about dopamine, adrenaline and serotonin ( Ain't you all glad I don't work for Hallmark greetings ? )
DID YOU KNOW If you are "a universal donor" , you have ...( fill in the blanks ) **answer at end of this section
DID YOU KNOW hair, prompted by testosterone, grows faster in men in anticipation of sex. ( which probably explains why most married men are bald, huh ? )
DID YOU KNOW every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die. ( Hahaha.. Now let me see you giggle away the sniffles. )
DID YOU KNOW The two highest IQ's ever recorded (on a standard test) both belong to women. ( Hmmmph... Well, sure, but could they cook ? )
DID YOU KNOW The vocabulary of the average person consists of 5,000 to 6,000 words. ( of course, when you ask the guy for the first time if he loves you, the average vocabulary is 4 words - "gulp .umm.. uhh...huh ?" / I donta speak engalish / what was the question again / I gotta go " ..thats 16 words divided by the main four options equals...4. Ramanujan, eat my shorts. )
** [ "Blood Group O" is the right answer, "herpes" the most popular ]

DID YOU KNOW a South African monkey was once awarded a medal and promoted to the rank of corporal during World War I. ( hence the tradition in India where we elect chimps and apes into Parliament. Damn you Gandhi for your South African bred ideas. )
DID YOU KNOW Mexican jumping beans jump because of a moth larva inside the bean. ( Of course, they do the Macarena because they still believe it's cool. )
DID YOU KNOW India has a Bill of Rights for cows. ( Is anyone really surprised at that ? )

DID YOU KNOW that Nagoya tebasaki is an unusual ice cream - Japanese chicken wing ice cream. Of course you can wash it down with 'Calpis water' - that's chilled cow urine. ( Umm... I'm on a diet but you guys go right ahead. )
DID YOU KNOW The world's costliest coffee is made from the droppings of a type of marsupial that eats only the very best coffee beans. Plantation workers track them and scoop their precious poop. ( suddenly that cheap 3 rupee coffee seems so nice..)
DID YOU KNOW the dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle. ( Do not try the "you've got a cute tittle, gal" line.. there is no documented episode of it ending well. )
DID YOU KNOW Squids can commit suicide by eating their own tentacles. ( I said TENTACLES, you nimwit, not TESTI.. aww, what's the point ? Once a perv, always a perv )
DID YOU KNOW that the electric chair was invented by a dentist. ( the electric chair and the dentist's chair - another perfect example of the phrase "between the devil and the deep sea" )

DID YOU KNOW that octopus balls lie in their head ? ( Which means if you see them scratching their head, they're not puzzled, just.. itchy down there. )
DID YOU KNOW Porcupines float in water!. ( Nevertheless, they do not make nice life rafts..how do I know ? shut up and pass me the tweezer )
DID YOU KNOW that sea horses are the only males that become pregnant ? ( They are also exclusively monogamous, but I don't think they do the dishes and squeeze the toothpaste from back to front, so guys, we're safe. For now. )
DID YOU KNOW the male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ( cheer them, respect them, adore them, but please - leave the stunts to them. WOMEN, please do not try this at home. )
DID YOU KNOW Snails mate only once in their lifetime, but it can take up to 12 hours. ( It has to be the Xtra Long Lasting condoms they use, right ? )

Hopefully, all these articles will make people look upto you in a crowd once you work it into conversation.. either that or you'll have a lot of free arm space while having your lunch in the cafeteria.. hmmm.

Now that's what I call a win-win situation !!

Besides this, there are so many predictions of things that eventually took place. Surprisingly, Nostradamus didn't always use anagrams, sometimes opting for using the real name itself, even of places that had yet to be discovered and people yet to be born.

Louis Pasteur
The lost thing is found, hidden for so many centuries,
Pasteur will be honored as a demigod
This happens when the moon completes her great cycle,
He will be dishonored by other winds.
This quatrain predicts the discovery of Pasteur. Louis Pasteur was the scientist who discovered the existence of microscopic germs. Critics often accused Pasteur of doctoring his results ( dishonored by other winds. )

Charles De Gaulle
Hercules King of Rome and of Annemark,
Three times one surnamed de Gaulle will lead,
Italy and the one of St Mark to tremble,
First monarch, renowned above all (Century 9, Quatrain 33)
Charles de Gaulle was a leader of France three times - first as leader of the Free French Forces, then as prime minister of the provisional post WWII government, then as the first president of the French Fifth Republic.

Francisco Franco
From Castille, Franco will bring out the assembly,
The ambassador will not agree and cause a schism:
The people of Rivera will be in the crowd,
And they will refuse entry into the Gulf (Century 9, Quatrain 16)
Spanish dictator Francisco Franco and his predecessor, Primo de Rivera (the people of Rivera), are mentioned outright. In 1936, the Republican government had Franco exiled to the Canary Islands (and they will refuse entry into the gulf.)

The London Fire of '66
The blood of the just will be demanded of London,
Burnt by the fire in the year 66 (Century 2; Quatrain 51)
On 2nd September 1666, the destruction of medieval London began with one simple spark. In five days a cataclysmic fire destroyed the city of Shakespeare. Some people see the blood of the just as it was translated from the French to mean that justice was done to the plague. This fire did the city a great service by destroying the millions of rats that were carrying the Black plague through the city's population. This is one of the rare occasions where Nostradamus actually got the number right too, incidentally !

In hindsight, when you read these stanzas , a lot

will seem so obvious. But then, hindsight has always got 20/ 20 vision.

In the year 1999, in the seventh month,
from the sky will come the great King of Terror,
bringing back to life the great King of the Mongols.
Before and after, Mars to reign by good fortune.
Perhaps it was just another example of Nostradamus being off with the date. I say perhaps, because of the alternative - remember how Nostradamus often wrote in anagrams ? Now look at 1999 as a numeric anagram. If we reverse the order of the “1”s and “9”s, we arrive at 9111 or 9-11-1 (the date of the 9-11 attacks). Coincidence ? More astonishingly, consider this. What on Earth was this guy imagining back then when he suggested "from the sky will come the great King of terror" that could possibly be deemed a hoax by skeptics ?
Even more frightening is the following quatrain.

At forty-five degrees, the sky will burn,
Fire approaches the great new city,
Immediately a huge, scattered flame leaps up
When they want to have verification from the Norman (Century 5 Quatrain 97)
Take forty-five degrees as a latitude. Experts agree this could only be New York ( 40 degrees 5 ). Of all the possibilities that this 15th century physician could think of, speaking of the sky burning ( the Twin towers in their final moments ) is uncanny. The verification from the Norman may be a reference to France’s refusal to support the Iraq War.

Earth-shaking fire from the center of the earth.
will cause the towers around the New City to shake,
Two great rocks for a long time will make war,
And then Arethusa (a ship) will color a new river red. (Century 1, Quatrain 87)
TheNew City, which may be New York City and “the towers” which are an obvious reference to the 9/11 attack of the twin towers are easily understood. The second half is more intruiging. Arethusa is thought to be an anagram for an event / ship that we have yet to see. Is it "Are the USA ?", "Earth USA" or something else we have not deciphered yet ?

The king will want to enter the new city,
Through its enemies they will come to subdue it
Captives liberated to speak and act falsely,
King to be outside, he will keep far from the enemy. (Century 10, Quatrain 49)
As is going on presently - even though Iraq and Afghanistan is 'won', the 'King' or President Bush has no alternative but to stay away.

A great number will be condemned
When the monarchs will be reconciled:
But for one of them such a bad impediment will arise
That they will be joined together but loosely. (Century 2, Quatrain 36)
This describes the downfall or unpopularity of on one of the leaders ( Bushy boy ? ) --as the leader with the impediment (lack of support from his people, joined together, but loosely.)
The quatrain below talks of how World War III may be closer than we think. Its arrival is heralded after the fall of the Republican Party in the United States.

One year before the Italian conflict,
Germans, Gauls, Spaniards for the fort:
The republican schoolhouse will fall,
There, except for a few, they will be choked dead. (Century 2, Quatrain 38.)
The Republican schoolhouse is the U.S. government, presently on its way out. After the Republican government in the United States is voted out of a power, things are set to get nasty. It's interesting to note that 450 years ago, Nostradamus would talk of a Republican group at a time when USA had yet to be formed.

In Quatrain Number 62 in Century 2, Nostradamus speaks possibly about the assassination of President Bush, according to most experts.

Mabus then will soon die, there will come
Of people and beasts a horrible rout:
Then suddenly one will see vengeance,
Hundred, hand, thirst, hunger when the comet will run.

Some scholars of Nostradamus interpret Mabus to mean Mr. Bush. Mabus = Mr Bush ? or eerily enough, via anagrams Usam B ( Osama B ).
Other options - Mabus = osaMA,BUSh ?. Or is it ust an anagram for Musab as in Abu Musab al zaraqawi
The comet ? There are several comets flying by in the next few years. One of them is Comet S-W3 73P, which will be closest to the Earth around May 13, 2006. Another significant connection is that this comet was discovered in 1930 during Hitler’s rise to power.
Usually these predictions take place within a year or two of the original date. Only time will tell.

I will not add the future predictions in it's entirity here for many reasons.. mainly so as not to insult certain religions ( if you read the prophecies, you will understand ) but also to avoid the gloom. Sufficed to say, the portrait Nostradamus paints is very dark - with the start of the 3rd World War imminent. He gives great detail not just of which countries will suffer, but also of strategies and alliances that, today, as I write, seem unlikely. But then, I haven't seen the future.

In short, those of you who wish to enjoy Italy, France and Spain, now is the time. Because there may not be a next time. Of course, that's the optimistic part. From then on in, things just get worse with everyone joining in the battle. Somewhere along the line, mass destruction looms for certain nations. I pray, infact, that if it comes to pass, it is a nuke attack. Let it thus be quick and painless. The alternative of the world becoming a battlefield with so many children orphaned in slow progression, so many tortures and slow deaths... dear God, let it be a nuclear attack.

The war promises to be long ( ? 20 years is the general concensus ) and sadly as it ends, we'l have the added bonus of an asteroid hitting the Earth, with horrific results around 2026. This has infact been made more scary by reports from NASA a couple of years ago of a possible asteroid coming a little too close to our orbit in roughly the same year. You can guess what's left after that - 2 of every 3 people will die. We will finally learn to embrace each other. Sadly, the beginning of peace is set to mark the end of the world.

But cheer up - on the bright side, there's talk of ANGELIC OFFSPRINGS ( aliens ? as some suggest, divinity as many hope ) during this end game so yeeeeah!!! We have something to look forward to. I hope I have my camera reel. I can make a fortune on ebay.
So when can we expect the end of the world to begin ? I leave you with his own words -

The year the great seventh number is accomplished,
Appearing at the time of the great games of slaughter:
Not far from the age of the great millennium,
When the dead will come out of their graves. (Century 10, Quatrain 74)
Some say that 7 is 2007, some say its 2070. The third line tends to favour the former though. Thankfully, we have one thing in our favour - Nostradamus has always played around with numbers. Hopefully, its a much later date. Hopefully.

If you want to read up on what Nostradamus saw in the coming years, just go to any search engine and type " Nostradamus ". Be prepared...

Salaam-e-Ishq ** 1/2

You have the biggest stars. 3.45. You've got a great theme. You have some lovely music that just dances in your head even after the trailor is gone. 3.45. You have a director who made a tragedy movie like Kal ho Na Ho looks so cool.

So why did you shoot yourself in the foot, Mr Nikhil Advani ?You had it all. Everything suggested this was gonna be a superb story. 3.45. So why was I left praying for it to end midway through the second half ?

Truth be told, I'm being harsh. For any other average director, I'd perhaps applaud, but well, you raised the bar the first time around and I had a lot of expectations. 6 great themes and an original concept by Bollywood standards. 3.45. But before we continue, lets evaluate the stories individually, shall we ?

1. An actress wannabe creates a fake story of a boyfriend to get media attention and get int the public eye. She doesn't bank on a guy actually coming along to fill the role. A deal is struck to help her attain her goal - get enough attention so that Karan Johar will sign her up. But was 'falling in love' part of that deal ? Salman doesn't really act anymore, does he ? He just plays the cool dude part. And well, it suits him, so I'm not complaining. Priyanka looks gorgeous ( see Krisshh for other end of the spectrum ). As for her acting, well, she's as competent as Salman.

2. What would you do if the one you love gets into an accident and forgets ... who you are ??? Personally, its a scary thought and Vidya Balan plays it well. I liked the concept and the main dialogue / solution that John Abraham has.. but honestly, something was missing in this story. The huge gaps before the story arrives again in the narrative didn't help much either.

3. Ayesha Takia has her own problem, of course. She finds out that the guy she loves and is supposed to marry is scared of commitment and is trying to break the marriage. Akshaye Khanna as the manic commit-o-phobe is hilarious, while Ayesha is just such a sweetie pie to look at. Their story was a major bright spot in this movie.

4. The theme of a man bored in his marriage, trying to get out a midlife crisis by dating a younger woman. Well, for me, this was the Death eater of Azkaban. It's sombre tones took the mood away for a large period of time. Which is sad because the principal characters, Anil and especially Juhi give knockout performances. The hottie young girl ( Anjana Sukhani ) is.. well, drooooooooooool. Somewhere, somehow the equation adds up to a minus.

5. A cab driver keeps praying for the girl of his dreams to walk into his taxi. But when she does, she's a foreigner ( Shannon Esra ) who's hunting for Indian boyfriend. Let me tel you from the start - i had no expectations from this story. A comeback Govinda doesn't exactly get me jumpin' with joy. That said I was wrong. For me, this taxi carried the movie. Govind ais absolutely adorable as Raju and his moments with Stephanie (Step-nee ) are hilarious. The girl too is so sweet and natural an actor, its uncanny. I'm sorry guys, but this was my fav story of the 6.

6. A newly wed couple who just can't seem to get the privacy they want to conjugate. Amazingly enough, though their scenes are few, I wouldn't kick out this story. Sohail Khan is actually hilarious in his antics while Isha has no role whatsoever except to lie down...hmmm. Not a bad role actually, now that I think about it.

Initially, you will feel the transitions from one story to another are quite clever. But later, it all starts to slacken - the pace, the effort, everything. Rather than the quick turn to the next story, huge chunks of time are devoted to each segment before slowly moving to the next. As a result, you're not really allowed to feel much for some characters. I guess, the main sufferers are the serious stories of John and Anil. Because you can't connect with their trials and pain, while the comedians just need the small segments to establish themselves, which they all do.

The songs are lovely. I enjoyed them and now even the ones I wasn't an initial fan to are catching on in my head. But it doesn't mask the biggest flaw - 3.45

3.45 - That's how long it took from the moment I sat down till the moment the final credits rolled. That is where the movie committed suicide - the length. You can't help but feel bored as the second half clunks along to it's expected ending. The fact that you know what's gonna happen ensures you're just twiddling your thumbs for a good hour after the popcorn break. And that's sad. Because the final impression you leave with is one of disappointment and dare I say it, a yawn ?

Good effort, just a little bit carried away, Mr Advani. Better luck next time.

GURU ****

"What chemistry". "He acted well, na." "Even she did." "Madhavan should have had a bigger role." "Abhishek was cool, ya."

This is what greets my ears as I leave the hall. I admit I strayed into it totally out of boredom, while waiting for my train. I had no expectations again from this one. And again, for the second time in less than 30 days ( Happy Feet ) I'm proven wrong.

Guru tells you the story of a dreamer working abroad, villager Gurukant Desai ( Abhishek Bachchan ) who gives up his job in Turkey ( the Gulf ... oooh Maya maya) to pursue his own dreams of fame and fortune. He is not averse to marrying for money, coercion and the odd underhanded deals. And that is where I respect the movie the most. The Gray. A color rarely portrayed in Bollywood for heroes. Guru is no hero.. neither is he a villian. But he does bend the law when it suits his needs. The movie chronicles his growing years as he goes from unknown villager to news headlines, through hospitals and courtroom dates.

Aishwarya as his wife, is finally getting it - the art of acting naturally. She does a commendable job here when it mattered most, the ever supportive wife always beside her husband through his good times and bad.

Mithun Chakraborty.. where did Mani Ratnam pick him from ? Either way, it was inspired casting. The once mentor-turned-foe of Guru has a pretty tough role to hold, and he does it with class. Here too, the relationship between them is so unnatually natural - the admiration and respect for each other is evident, even when their views of the world differ.

Madhavan as the journalist taking on Guru in the press is a well etched role till the end, I felt, when they've just made him disappear, a tad abruptly.

Vidya Balan, as Guru's friend during his early struggling days, is left wheel chair bound with MS and finds, when she needs it most, solace with Madhavan. That too, is a story, a bit poorly etched, I felt.

And finally Big B. No, that's no error. He's ready to hold the crown of "Big" Bachchan. After the sad role he had in Dhoom 2 and the snooze fest Umrao Jaan, here he shines and how !! It isn't just the ageing, or the extra weight he added for the role. It isn't the sweet moments he has with Ash which bring a sigh to your lips or the arrogance of the character. It's the maturity he brings to the role ( I can't imagine any of the 3 Khans doing this one ). At times, when his back is turned to the screen as he speaks, I swear, you can almost hear his dad in the voice. And that is no mean feat. Kudos to Mani Rathnam.. that's it. Show 'em how to make movies.

BHAGAM BHAG *

Request : Please, Mr Priyadarshan. Stop. Enough. You're taking old films and remaking them. That's ok. I have no complaints with that. But you're destroying them. And torturing us while you're at it. Bhagam Bhag is a sad attempt at.. I don't know what ? Humor ? Murder mystery ? Reviving Govinda's career ? Whatever it is, it fails on all counts.

So we have Govinda and Akshay Kumar as part of a stage troupe who are sent to London ( ?? ) to perform dances, but end up having to find a new heroine after annoying their previous one. Some silly misunderstandings later and Akshay finds the suicidal Lara Dutta walking down London in a white sari, no less, and gets her to be their heroine in the skit/dance/whatever. Another bang on her head and she regains her ( lost ?) consciousness, revealing she's married to a business man ( Arbaaz Khan ). Hubby and wife walk away. leaving a disillusioned troupe with no heroine. And then they get a call from her that night - a plea for help from her suicidal self. And come to her house to witness her burnt to death. What happens next from drug smugglers to Indian cops in London to taxi drivers on hire to another dead body to Lara's ghostly reappearance to....AAAAH !!!

There is so much potential, yet it is so wasted. I have no commendable words for anyone here.. it isn't worth the effort. But I will sound a warning to comedy directors - the next one who ends the movie with more than 8 main characters chasing each other will personally be lynched by me and my 'bunch of comedians'. And that ain't no laughing matter. Be warned.

Why was I so reluctant to go watch this movie ? Let's see ? A whole bunch of black and white penguins in a white ice land world ? And the main theme seems to be one of them knows tap dancing ? Not exactly a crowd puller for me.. But then again, that's where animated movies always catch me off guard. More than a decade ago, I was similarly reluctant to go for an animated movie cause I thought the original fable was so boring, how could it be worth watching in cartoon format ? I hadn't reckoned on Robin Williams as the amazing genie in that lovely movie, ALADDIN.

Circa 2006 and the story repeats.

In Antarctica, the Emperor Penguins each find their soul mates via song. Mumble, thus, is a misfit as his lack of vocal skills does not make up for his amazing tap dancing moves. The elders, looking for an excuse to blame for the lack of fish, point an accusing wing at him. Rejected by his own, Mumble goes out to seek the truth. He will not be alone though, as he will soon join a group of Adelie penguins, led by Ramon. Their aim - to find the aliens responsible for the lack of fish in the vicinity. And maybe, just rid the elders of the fear of being different.

The first thing that will strike you - The graphics. A-W-E-S-O-M-E. There is no lesser word for it. I had earlier been critical of Ice Age 2's graphics and icy hill sequences. See this movie and you will realise why. The sheer beauty of the sequences at times will astound you. Another thing that kept nagging away at the back of my head - is this really a movie for kids ? I mean, there are so many tributes to songs of the 80s, 70s and even 60s, the theme shifts very suddenly towards the end from joy to anguish while making a very relevant point, no doubt.. and I doubt if kids really will get most of the jokes.. then again, it's today's kids, so who knows ??

The most important question - will you go out smiling ? You better believe it. Because between Ramon and co's antics, Guru LoveLace, Mumble's tap dancing and all the songs, you just can't help but feel good when you leave the theatre.

I wondered how a star cast of Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman, Elijah Wood, Brittany Murphy, Robin Williams and Hugo Weaving could be roped in to play penguins. Now I know.

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